'Your brain will never comprehend it': Cats is awarded a record ZERO stars as critics universally savage Tom Hooper's star-studded new film as 'an all time disaster'
New movie Cats has been universally panned, despite its star-studded cast list.
But while Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical version of Cats continues to enjoy enduring popularity some 38-year after it launched at the New London Theatre, the same cannot be said of its latest cinematic interpretation.
Despite an A-list ensemble cast featuring the talents of Taylor Swift, Dame Judi Dench, Idris Elba and Sir Ian McKellen, director Tom Hooper's extravagant rendering of the groundbreaking musical has received largely negative reviews.
Awkward: Even the presence of Taylor Swift hasn't protected Tom Hooper's Cats from a disastrous string of early reviews
With an estimated $95 million budget it's a worrying portent for a film so long in the making, but the warning signs were already in evidence when fans lambasted its first theatrical trailer, with poor animation cited as its number one flaw.
Critics would argue that CGI is the least of its worries, with the Daily Telegraph branding Hooper's film 'an all-time disaster' and giving it the ignominious honour of zero stars - the first in the publication's history.
'Once seen, the only realistic way to fix Cats would be to spay it, or simply pretend it never happened,' writes review Tom Robey.
Meow: Dane Judy dench also features in the cinematic rendering of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's iconic musical
'Because it’s an all-time disaster – a rare and star-spangled calamity which will leave jaws littered across floors and agents unemployed. For the first time since the head-spinningly dire dadcom Old Dogs in 2010, I'm giving a film no stars.'
Empire magazine was equally critical, but praised the film for its 'craft and talent,' while conceding that, visually at least, it is 'bold and striking.'
With a score of two out of five stars, reviewer John Nugent admits that while the animation has improved since its first trailer was met with such scorn, the film fails on almost every front.
Meow: But the male cast-members, along them Sir Ian McKellan, are described as looking like 'b*llends'
CATS - WHAT THE CRITICS SAID
'Your brain will never comprehend it. It’s jarring from the first minute and remains jarring until the last' - Empire
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'Director Tom Hooper’s movie is a huge failure because he’s completely abandoned the fundamentals of what made Cats a terrific show' - The New York Post
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'In addition to the generally off-putting appearance of the cats, the proportions are all wrong with respect to their surrounding environment' - The Hollywood Reporter
'I actually think that eight out of ten cinemagoers will say that they’ve enjoyed it, as long as they go along prepared for what they’re about to see, which is essentially a feline-themed ballet' - The Daily Mail
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'The story takes forever to get going, and when it does - eventually - it lacks any real conviction or emotion. The harsh truth is the film feels plastic, it has no heart or soul' - BBC
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'Once seen, the only realistic way to fix Cats would be to spay it, or simply pretend it never happened' - The Daily Telegraph
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'Each male in the cast looks a bit of a b*llend. And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charm' - The Guardian
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'It’s one of those rare cinematic events that feels like a collective hallucination – improbable and entirely indescribable' - The Independent
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‘History books of the future will tell of the twin disasters in December 2019. The first, the Labour Party’s results in a pivotal general election. The second, Cats' - Prospect Magazine
'It all just feels so wrong. Whether they are human or feline, what on earth has happened in those smoothed out groins, so much exposed by the leotards?' - The Evening Standard
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'Cats is indeed garbage… now and forever' - Beat
Not happy: 'Neither human nor cat, they all look like laboratory mutants put through a Snapchat filter,' writes another of the entire cast
He writes: 'The much-vaunted “digital fur technology” has improved since the trailer, but never climbs from the shivering depths of the uncanny valley.
'Neither human nor cat, they all look like laboratory mutants put through a Snapchat filter. Your brain will never comprehend it. It’s jarring from the first minute and remains jarring until the last'
Meanwhile The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw offered the film a solitary one star, dismissing it as a 'furry orgy in a dumps.'
Bizarre: 'Your brain will never comprehend it. It’s jarring from the first minute and remains jarring until the last'
'Each male in the cast looks a bit of a b*llend' he writes of the 'distracting' special effects. 'And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charms.'
Giving it a comparatively generous two out of five, the Independent admitted Hooper's latest cinematic effort was 'improbable and entirely indescribable'.
Clarisse Loughrey writes: 'Cats is destined to go down in glorious infamy. It’s one of those rare cinematic events that feels like a collective hallucination – improbable and entirely indescribable. What can you say when faced with Sir Sir Ian McKellan, CGI-ed into a cat-person body, gingerly licking milk out of a bowl?'
Continuing a universally negative theme, Prospect magazine slammed Cats as 'a baffling, humourless CGI nightmare,' and claimed it is even worse than the recent Tory landslide.
Feline friend: Rebel Wilson stars in the new film, but her appearance has been overshadowed by some disastrous reviews
‘History books of the future will tell of the twin disasters in December 2019. The first, the Labour Party’s results in a pivotal general election. The second, Cats,' writes reporter Caspar Salmon.
Meanwhile The Evening Standard's Dave Sexton lambasted the film's inability to replicate the magic of Lloyd Webber's stage production.
'It all just feels so wrong,' he writes. 'Whether they are human or feline, what on earth has happened in those smoothed out groins, so much exposed by the leotards?
'And let’s not think about those tails that keep erecting for emphasis. All of the characters appear much more to advantage when dressed in clothes (whatever the logic of that).'
Star turn: Jennifer Hudson also features in Hooper's latest cinematic effort
Universal appeal: But Taylor Swift's appearance has done little in terms of winning positive reviews
Writing for Beat, Edward Douglas described it as 'the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.'
'As much as a I love a good movie musical, Cats isn’t one, and Hooper just doesn’t have enough in his filmmaking repertoire (including his chosen cast) to save the movie from being equally awful. Cats is indeed garbage… now and forever,' he writes.
Overseas reviews have been no less harsh, with a strong international presence not protecting the film from savage criticism.
In a lengthy tirade, The Hollywood Reporter wades in on Hooper's production, writing: ‘In addition to the generally off-putting appearance of the cats, the proportions are all wrong with respect to their surrounding environment. Sometimes they go from appearing minuscule to giant-size within the same scene.
Landslide: ‘History books of the future will tell of the twin disasters in December 2019. The first, the Labour Party’s results in a pivotal general election. The second, Cats,' wrote one reviewer
Not right: ‘In addition to the generally off-putting appearance of the cats, the proportions are all wrong with respect to their surrounding environment,' slammed another
‘And when Hamilton choreographer Andy Blankenbuehler assembles much of the large ensemble in the dance number that officially kicks off the Jellicle Ball (more about that in a minute), they just look like hairy naked humans wearing cat ears.
'In fact, that interlude made me think of a hirsute equivalent of the frantic volcano opener from Goddess, the Vegas revue in Showgirls.’
Giving the film one star, the New York Post added: 'Director Tom Hooper’s movie is a huge failure because he’s completely abandoned the fundamentals of what made Cats a terrific show: sublime music, captivating dance and an intoxicating atmosphere.
Coming soon: Cats will go on general release from December 20th
'Instead, the director chooses to shake the camera around as though he can’t find his footing, uses dreadful CGI-human hybrids that look worse than makeup and needlessly buttresses the plot with exposition.'
There was however one ray of light from the Daily Mail's Brian Viner, who gave it a high scoring four out of five stars.
Praising the film, he writes: 'I actually think that eight out of ten cinemagoers will say that they’ve enjoyed it, as long as they go along prepared for what they’re about to see, which is essentially a feline-themed ballet.'
Cats will go on general release from December 20th.
'Cats is downright demented... but somehow it works!' BRIAN VINER reviews 'bizarre' new Taylor Swift movie interpretation of the popular stage musical
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There is a long and happy cinematic tradition of great stage musicals being converted into memorable films. West Side Story, My Fair Lady, The Sound Of Music, Fiddler On The Roof… it’s an illustrious list.
And now we also have Cats, which is nothing if not memorable. Whether they are memories you want to hang on to, like Grizabella in the show, lamenting her lost glamour, is another matter.
The film is weird, rather in the way that dreams are weird. You emerge from the cinema just as you might wake up after a torrid night, piecing together bizarre images, some unsettling, some uproarious, some downright demented, that don’t seem to belong in the same story.
Taylor Swift stars as Bombalurina (above) in the musical film, for which the trailer was released in July
Rebel Wilson on her back, legs akimbo, scratching her ample belly. Judi Dench swamped by a huge fur coat and looking disconcertingly like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard Of Oz. A green-eyed Idris Elba at the top of Nelson’s Column.
Ray Winstone doing his usual hard-man act, but in a cat costume. James Corden in a bit part. That’s just a small sample of the extraordinary images assailing your mind. People have sought psychiatric help for less. And yet somehow, it all works. I’ve had to retract my critical claws.
Those claws were out as soon as the trailer was released in July. It was our first look at how director Tom Hooper had adapted Andrew Lloyd Webber’s hit musical, which was itself an interpretation of TS Eliot’s 1939 poetry collection Old Possum’s Book Of Practical Cats.
On the whole, the response was a good deal less than kind. Some folk invoked the Sonic the Hedgehog ‘disaster’ (the live-action film was postponed following outrage when the trailer came out, with people spluttering that Sonic looked all wrong).
Dame Judi Dench (above) in a huge fur coat. The actors were transformed using visual effects
I can’t have been the only person who felt that dear old Lloyd Webber, that maligned theatrical genius, deserved better than to find himself in the same sentence as a hedgehog. But nor was I the only critic preparing lots of catty metaphors. It looked then as if Cats might turn out to be a cinematic litter tray.
It’s not. I actually think that eight out of ten cinemagoers will say that they’ve enjoyed it, as long as they go along prepared for what they’re about to see, which is essentially a feline-themed ballet.
That is why the Royal Ballet star Francesca Hayward plays the lead, Victoria the White Cat, and it is a truly charming performance.
Anyone who has seen the stage musical will recognise the role has been beefed up, making her the focus of this story about a motley feline band, London’s Jellicle cats, one of whom must be chosen by the venerable Old Deuteronomy (Dench) to ascend high above the Earth and be reborn.
Gus the Theatre Cat was beautifully played by Sir Ian McKellen in a shabby dressing gown
Victoria is an outsider, beguiled by the thought of becoming a Jellicle. Gradually, her journey of discovery becomes ours. Just as she begins to see the magic in the likes of Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson), Bombalurina (Taylor Swift), Bustopher Jones (Corden), Growltiger (Winstone), Jennyanydots (Wilson), and literally in the case of the illusionist Mr Mistoffelees (Laurie Davidson), so do we, if perhaps with a little more circumspection.
Undoubtedly, though, the sheer oddness of so many familiar acting titans wearing hairy onesies begins to recede. Besides, in the week of the valedictory Star Wars, it’s rather fitting to be presented with a load of star paws.
Moreover, it’s impossible not to be impressed by the Borrowers-style sets and props, and by the genuinely spectacular choreography. Hooper, whose impressive directorial credits include The King’s Speech and The Danish Girl (as well as Byker Grove and EastEnders), also has form in screen musicals – he made 2012’s Les Miserables.
Rebel Wilson wears a performance capture suit in a behind the scenes photo during filming
It shows. And it’s nice to see London celebrated too, in a kind of Monopoly board tribute, starting in Piccadilly Circus and ending in Trafalgar Square.
As for the songs, I’m sure they will please most enthusiasts.
Hudson gives her heart and soul to the much-loved (and much-loathed) Memory, while the new Beautiful Ghosts, written by nobody’s idea of a double act, Swift and Lloyd Webber, and sung very sweetly by Hayward, is a terrific addition to the score.
Not everyone will think all this is the cat’s whiskers. But if ever there was a Christmas release that will be steadfastly avoided by some and rapturously embraced by others, this is it. In other words, those who expect to love it will see it, and those who think they’ll probably detest it won’t bother to test their preconceptions.
If you belong in the former category, then you will doubtless come away from Cats with a favourite character.
Mine was Gus the Theatre Cat, beautifully played by a sad-eyed Ian McKellen in a shabby dressing gown, wistfully acknowledging that he’s ‘no longer a terror to mice or to rats’.
I’m not sure I’d entirely endorse that line from theologian Albert Schweitzer that there are only two refuges from the misery of life: Music and cats. I’m a dog man myself. But Hooper has made a surprisingly good fist of bringing it to life.
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Cats is awarded ZERO stars as critics universally savage Tom Hooper's star-studded new film - Daily Mail
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